We’ve dreamt of a family gap year since the birth of our twins, Elsie and Ollie, in 2014. The dream helped us escape from our sleepless life of endless work, diapers, and days spent mostly at or close to home. As E & O grew and we rejoined the world with our beautiful and spirited children, we imagined an incredible life experience for all of us through travel. We would ponder a family gap year from time to time, but it mostly felt unattainable.
My job as a pediatric anesthesiologist included partnership in a private practice that had cost time and money. It felt like I was handcuffed by the aspirational checkpoints on my long and straight career path:
Here is the basic summary of the checkpoints that has ruled my life for the past 20 years:
- Get good grades in high school (ok, that was more than 20 years ago but who is counting ;)
- Get into the best undergraduate university and medical school possible (GO BLUE!)
- Match to the best residency with the best reputation (GO BLUE DEVILS!)
- Complete an outstanding fellowship to set yourself apart
- Find the best private practice or academic position possible
- Become a partner of said private practice
CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.......
I continuously asked myself, “Now what?!” I hadn't spent much time considering how the path might change once I finished my training and settled into my practice. There hasn’t been much time for consideration. Standardized tests, endless classes, and additional research were necessary to set me apart from other applicants along the way. Residency and Fellowship are consuming. Shortly after becoming faculty, I had Elsie and Ollie. I’ve just been putting one foot in front of the other for the last 8+ years.
I love my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. I have the opportunity for important and challenging work with an amazing group of colleagues. I am not, however, someone that wants to do the same thing forever. There are many paths in medicine to expand and alter one's career and I pursued them through activities outside the operating room. Those pursuits required my free time and the little energy left at the end of my work day. I often felt that my family was left with the worst of me while I tried accommodating my career and my role as wife and mother. Finding a solution to this unsettling conundrum was incredibly daunting. I often just avoided it altogether. Like so many working moms, I kept my head down and moved forward despite the exhaustion. But when I did stop and dream; the idea of a family gap year would often percolate up.
If I am unable to make a decision, I often realize later that I just didn't have all the information. I make decisions quickly. It's a trait of most anesthesiologists and it suits my personality. I held onto faith and waited for more information as I struggled to be the best mother, wife, and physician. Most days, I struggled with a sense of failure.
The path forward became clear after an unexpected and unwanted change. During the pandemic, the hospital terminated our practice's 40+ year relationship. It was traumatic. We were already experiencing extreme levels of stress as health care workers terrified of our own safety and that of our families. Suddenly, the handcuffs of my perfect partnership job were released but the freedom I received was uncertain and scary. It wasn't what I was seeking.
Henri was my rock during that time. He reminded me that I still have a rare skill and that money doesn't equate to our happiness. Henri is the co-CEO of a healthcare IT company that focuses on intellectual and developmental disabilities. He works extremely hard and is very successful, but we were always grateful for my “stable” job. I tried to keep an open mind and imagine the possibility of finding a fulfilling job in the middle of a global pandemic. I interviewed elsewhere and contemplated what brings me happiness. I worried that if I left clinical medicine, I would be wasting my training or ruining my career. Like so many other doctors, I didn’t believe I have any other skills. Eventually my practice and the hospital agreed on an employment deal and I remained in a job that I knew and loved. But the damage to my morale and professional satisfaction was difficult to overcome. I had imagined a future that didn't require working nights, weekends, and holidays. I clearly needed a change. I was too far down a new path to turn back.
During the same time, our beautiful Elsie was diagnosed with dyslexia. Henri and I believe in unicorns because of our sweet girl. She is extremely creative, kind, and innovative. Situations and stories connect differently for her. We have always known that her brain works differently, but we were extremely troubled when she was falling behind in school. Formal testing concluded that Elsie is bright and has dyslexic, a common combination. Armed with this information, we were inspired to be her biggest advocates. Our twins needed more from us than our hectic work schedule allowed. Thus, another curve in my path that encouraged me to move towards a major life change. Helping Elsie, and children like her, was the first thing that I could imagine doing besides anesthesiology. I contemplated other potentially rewarding careers that could be more conducive to my family's need.
By thinking broadly and confronting the unexpected, our family gap year was becoming a reality and, in some ways, a necessity. In addition to benefits that we had imagined (adventure, new cultures, amazing food, world-class museums, etc.), dedicated time for teaching Elsie added one that we didn't expect. All signs were pointed in that direction, and we followed them. The logistics seemed extremely complicated. It felt so daunting and we didn't know where to start.
When the kids are overwhelmed by a complicated situation, Henri quotes the title of a book about problem-solving: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." (Elsie's adores elephants, so this never goes over quite as well as he would like.) It’s our simple approach as we plan this family adventure. In the next blog, I’ll share the practical part of our journey including selling our beloved family home and moving into a 2 bedroom apartment downtown.
